<p>Hard to explain this one. 栋 for a building and 座 for a certain kind of building?</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>我们到了医务室，这<strong>家</strong>(<strong>栋</strong>)楼看起来像(<strong>座</strong>)实验室</p>
</blockquote>

<p>像 is a verb in Chinese so you don't add 是. Alternatively use 像是 as a single phrase.</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>而并不<strong>是</strong>(remove)像普通的医院</p>
</blockquote>

<p>的 should be removed, I believe, so is 了. Also I would reverse the order to <code>My friend works here', he says. (“我朋友在这儿工作, 他说)</code>.</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>他说了“我的朋友在这儿工作”.</p>
</blockquote>

<p>Reorder 了? <code>我们一进去就看到了医生</code></p>

<blockquote>
  <p>我们一进去就看到医生了,</p>
</blockquote>

<p>Not sure about 而, because I don't feel any logical relation here. Maybe use a word for temporal relation, e.g. 立刻, <code>他立刻带我们去了他的办公室</code> (adding 了 for past tense)</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>而他带我们去他的办公室。</p>
</blockquote>

<p>I would use <code>我感觉有些奇怪</code> (I feel somehow strange) rather than <code>我有奇怪的感觉</code>(I have some strange feelings).</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>我有奇怪的感觉，但是我爸悄悄地说“我已经告诉了他你来这儿的原因”。</p>
</blockquote>

<p>而已 is fine I think, but maybe 当时 to the "believe" part, because I think that part need it more. Also 注射了</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>虽然我当时还有所怀疑，但我就只是相信父母而已，因此我让他给我注射。</p>
</blockquote>

<p>没有立即发现明显的后果("Didn't immediately see obvious result"). But not sure about the "发现". Here you are expecting to "feel" something, e.g. <code>没有立即感到明显的变化</code>(Didn't immediately feel any difference). Or just "没什么明显的感觉" (Didn't feel anything noticeable)</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>没有发现了立即而明显的后果</p>
</blockquote>

<p>Again I don't feel the logical relationship here, so remove 所以 and 而, maybe add 也(also). "然后医生就走了，我们也回家了" ("Then the doctor left, so did we")</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>所以然后医生就走了，而我们回家了。</p>
</blockquote>

CC BY-SA 4.0
2019-12-01T04:46:39.657Z
2019-12-01T04:46:39.657Z
user3528438
<p>The sentences are short, implying the passage is colloquial. However, its style doesn't accord to daily language, which makes it translationese.</p>

<p>我爸就带我去了医院，但比起医院那座建筑看起来更像研究所。我爸似乎已经很熟悉这里了，他根本没有问路。哦，我想起他说过有朋友在这里工作。最后我们到了一个房间，进去就看到了医生，见了我们立刻带往了他办公室。医生从抽屉里取出一支注射器，告诉我说打了以后就不会有体重问题了。我感到十分奇怪，但爸爸小声解释说他早就跟医生说过了。听了这话我虽然仍然怀疑，但出于对父亲的信任我没有拒绝注射。打完之后没什么特别的感觉，但医生确定已经完成了，于是走掉了，所以我们也回家了。</p>

<p>Comments:</p>

<p>It seems that you are not used to use link words, so sometimes it's weird in logic.</p>

<p>实验室 is a room complex, while 研究所 is a building complex.</p>

<p>一<strong>支</strong>注射器</p>

<p>"这会解决你的问题" We don't say like that, which I have only heard in translation works.</p>

<ul>
<li>这并不能解决你的问题。√</li>
<li>这解决得了你的问题吗？√</li>
<li>这样你的问题就解决了。√</li>
<li>你还有什么问题没解决？√</li>
<li>这不会解决你的问题的。√</li>
<li>这会解决你的问题。x</li>
<li>—— hard to say why.</li>
</ul>

<p>"我已经告诉了他你来这儿的原因" Oh, it's worse. </p>

<ul>
<li>你为什么要来我已经告诉过他了。</li>
<li>我已经告诉过他你为什么要来了。</li>
<li>我已经跟他说过你要来的原因了。</li>
</ul>

<p>"虽然我…但我…因此我" is usually shortened as "我虽然…但…因此"</p>

<p>"而已" Why? I don't see how it is used.</p>

<p>"后果" is usually something bad, and is always used to imply the consequence/effect of something. It cannot be used alone.</p>

<ul>
<li>你有没有考虑过徇私枉法的后果？√（下场/结果x）</li>
<li>现在锒铛入狱才后悔当初没有多想想贪污腐败的后果。√（下场√结果x）</li>
<li>上述两句区别在于，“下场”必定是已成现实/假定已成现实。</li>
<li>现在家道中落，祖荫尽失，可谓是不思进取的后果。√（结果/下场√）（贬损的语气下场＞后果＞结果）</li>
<li>这样做不用担心有什么后果。√（结果/下场x）</li>
<li>树倒猢狲散，飞扬跋扈的王家没落得个好后果。x（结果/下场√）</li>
<li>利用政策套利，目前还没发现有什么后果。√（结果/下场x）</li>
</ul>

<p>Should 儿化音 be written down or not? I recommend not.</p>

CC BY-SA 4.0
2019-12-01T05:33:42.843Z
2019-12-01T06:30:50.330Z
2019-12-01T06:30:50.330Z
Toosky Hierot
<p>Continuing from <a href="https://chinese.stackexchange.com/questions/35780/writing-critique-request-zhou-ziwangs-father-takes-her-to-the-doctor">part 3</a> (with the story starting at <a href="https://chinese.stackexchange.com/questions/35746/writing-critique-request-zhou-ziwang-and-the-revolutionary-new-technology">part 1</a>):</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>我们到了<a href="http://youdao.com/w/%E5%8C%BB%E5%8A%A1%E5%AE%A4" rel="nofollow noreferrer">医务室</a>，这家楼看起来像实验室，而并不是像普通的医院。我看着我爸，他似乎已经对这个地方很熟悉，甚至知道怎么走。他说了“我的朋友在这儿工作”。我们一进去就看到医生了，而他带我们去他的办公室。医生立刻从桌子的抽屉中取出了一只<a href="http://youdao.com/w/%E6%B3%A8%E5%B0%84%E5%99%A8" rel="nofollow noreferrer">注射器</a>，说“这会解决你的体重问题 ”。我有奇怪的感觉，但是我爸悄悄地说“我已经告诉了他你来这儿的原因”。虽然我当时还<a href="http://youdao.com/w/%E6%9C%89%E6%89%80" rel="nofollow noreferrer">有所</a>怀疑，但我就只是相信父母<a href="http://youdao.com/w/%E8%80%8C%E5%B7%B2" rel="nofollow noreferrer">而已</a>，因此我让他给我<a href="http://youdao.com/w/%E6%B3%A8%E5%B0%84" rel="nofollow noreferrer">注射</a>。没有发现了立即而明显的后果，所以然后医生就走了，而我们回家了。</p>
</blockquote>

<p>Please critique my writing.  New words for me are in links.  I'm at an "almost mastered HSK4" level.</p>

<p>I'm afraid 一进去就[...] is too often used in relation to premature ejaculation (一进去就射了), which would be totally inappropriate here.  But maybe what I've written is okay.</p>

<p>Also I'm not sure if 而已 is appropriate.</p>

<p>I won't include an English version: that's not the point of this exercise.  I'm fairly confident it's understandable (or at least if it needs modifying, it won't require much back-and-forth in the comments).</p>

CC BY-SA 4.0
2019-12-01T04:14:21.847Z
"一进去就射了" lmao bro......
user3528438
CC BY-SA 4.0
2019-12-09T06:21:38.037Z
(It's very hard to "accept" an answer to this question [and others like it].  They're helpful in different ways.)
Becky 李蓓
CC BY-SA 4.0
2021-05-18T18:06:04.340Z
注射—> 打针，注射器—>针管，后果—>效果/现象
imkzh
<writing-critique>
Writing critique request: Zhou Ziwang gets an injection from the "doctor"
# Writing critique request: Zhou Ziwang gets an injection from the "doctor"

(Asked by: username_0 on 2019-12-01)

Continuing from [part 3](https://chinese.stackexchange.com/questions/35780/writing-critique-request-zhou-ziwangs-father-takes-her-to-the-doctor) (with the story starting at [part 1](https://chinese.stackexchange.com/questions/35746/writing-critique-request-zhou-ziwang-and-the-revolutionary-new-technology)):

> 我们到了[医务室](http://youdao.com/w/%E5%8C%BB%E5%8A%A1%E5%AE%A4)，这家楼看起来像实验室，而并不是像普通的医院。我看着我爸，他似乎已经对这个地方很熟悉，甚至知道怎么走。他说了“我的朋友在这儿工作”。我们一进去就看到医生了，而他带我们去他的办公室。医生立刻从桌子的抽屉中取出了一只[注射器](http://youdao.com/w/%E6%B3%A8%E5%B0%84%E5%99%A8)，说“这会解决你的体重问题 ”。我有奇怪的感觉，但是我爸悄悄地说“我已经告诉了他你来这儿的原因”。虽然我当时还[有所](http://youdao.com/w/%E6%9C%89%E6%89%80)怀疑，但我就只是相信父母[而已](http://youdao.com/w/%E8%80%8C%E5%B7%B2)，因此我让他给我[注射](http://youdao.com/w/%E6%B3%A8%E5%B0%84)。没有发现了立即而明显的后果，所以然后医生就走了，而我们回家了。

Please critique my writing. New words for me are in links. I'm at an "almost mastered HSK4" level.

I'm afraid 一进去就[...] is too often used in relation to premature ejaculation (一进去就射了), which would be totally inappropriate here. But maybe what I've written is okay.

Also I'm not sure if 而已 is appropriate.

I won't include an English version: that's not the point of this exercise. I'm fairly confident it's understandable (or at least if it needs modifying, it won't require much back-and-forth in the comments).

**Tags:** writing-critique
> **Comments:**
> **username_1**: "一进去就射了" lmao bro......  
> **username_0**: (It's very hard to "accept" an answer to this question [and others like it].  They're helpful in different ways.)  
> **username_2**: 注射—> 打针，注射器—>针管，后果—>效果/现象  

---

## 2 answers

### Answer by username_1 on 2019-12-01. Score: 2 | Accepted answer

Hard to explain this one. 栋 for a building and 座 for a certain kind of building?

> 我们到了医务室，这**家**(**栋**)楼看起来像(**座**)实验室

像 is a verb in Chinese so you don't add 是. Alternatively use 像是 as a single phrase.

> 而并不**是**(remove)像普通的医院

的 should be removed, I believe, so is 了. Also I would reverse the order to `My friend works here', he says. (“我朋友在这儿工作, 他说)`.

> 他说了“我的朋友在这儿工作”.

Reorder 了? `我们一进去就看到了医生`

> 我们一进去就看到医生了,

Not sure about 而, because I don't feel any logical relation here. Maybe use a word for temporal relation, e.g. 立刻, `他立刻带我们去了他的办公室` (adding 了 for past tense)

> 而他带我们去他的办公室。

I would use `我感觉有些奇怪` (I feel somehow strange) rather than `我有奇怪的感觉`(I have some strange feelings).

> 我有奇怪的感觉，但是我爸悄悄地说“我已经告诉了他你来这儿的原因”。

而已 is fine I think, but maybe 当时 to the "believe" part, because I think that part need it more. Also 注射了

> 虽然我当时还有所怀疑，但我就只是相信父母而已，因此我让他给我注射。

没有立即发现明显的后果("Didn't immediately see obvious result"). But not sure about the "发现". Here you are expecting to "feel" something, e.g. `没有立即感到明显的变化`(Didn't immediately feel any difference). Or just "没什么明显的感觉" (Didn't feel anything noticeable)

> 没有发现了立即而明显的后果

Again I don't feel the logical relationship here, so remove 所以 and 而, maybe add 也(also). "然后医生就走了，我们也回家了" ("Then the doctor left, so did we")

> 所以然后医生就走了，而我们回家了。


---

### Answer by username_3 on 2019-12-01. Score: 3

The sentences are short, implying the passage is colloquial. However, its style doesn't accord to daily language, which makes it translationese.

我爸就带我去了医院，但比起医院那座建筑看起来更像研究所。我爸似乎已经很熟悉这里了，他根本没有问路。哦，我想起他说过有朋友在这里工作。最后我们到了一个房间，进去就看到了医生，见了我们立刻带往了他办公室。医生从抽屉里取出一支注射器，告诉我说打了以后就不会有体重问题了。我感到十分奇怪，但爸爸小声解释说他早就跟医生说过了。听了这话我虽然仍然怀疑，但出于对父亲的信任我没有拒绝注射。打完之后没什么特别的感觉，但医生确定已经完成了，于是走掉了，所以我们也回家了。

Comments:

It seems that you are not used to use link words, so sometimes it's weird in logic.

实验室 is a room complex, while 研究所 is a building complex.

一**支**注射器

"这会解决你的问题" We don't say like that, which I have only heard in translation works.

* 这并不能解决你的问题。√
* 这解决得了你的问题吗？√
* 这样你的问题就解决了。√
* 你还有什么问题没解决？√
* 这不会解决你的问题的。√
* 这会解决你的问题。x
* —— hard to say why.

"我已经告诉了他你来这儿的原因" Oh, it's worse.

* 你为什么要来我已经告诉过他了。
* 我已经告诉过他你为什么要来了。
* 我已经跟他说过你要来的原因了。

"虽然我…但我…因此我" is usually shortened as "我虽然…但…因此"

"而已" Why? I don't see how it is used.

"后果" is usually something bad, and is always used to imply the consequence/effect of something. It cannot be used alone.

* 你有没有考虑过徇私枉法的后果？√（下场/结果x）
* 现在锒铛入狱才后悔当初没有多想想贪污腐败的后果。√（下场√结果x）
* 上述两句区别在于，“下场”必定是已成现实/假定已成现实。
* 现在家道中落，祖荫尽失，可谓是不思进取的后果。√（结果/下场√）（贬损的语气下场＞后果＞结果）
* 这样做不用担心有什么后果。√（结果/下场x）
* 树倒猢狲散，飞扬跋扈的王家没落得个好后果。x（结果/下场√）
* 利用政策套利，目前还没发现有什么后果。√（结果/下场x）

Should 儿化音 be written down or not? I recommend not.


---

